Monday, February 16, 2009

How can stress be so relaxing?

I don't want to be a woman. Really. Although I must admit sometimes I have my dreams/fantasies about it.

When we dress up, I am nervous. Because I have been denied this freedom for so long. Always hiding; being afraid of the ridicule. Being afraid of losing friends, alienating family. So I shoved her way, way down deep inside.

But I would become her inside my head. Thinking of new makeup tricks, cute undies I would buy someday, wigs and dresses...places I would go. Things I do...someday.

It is an escape. I'm not ME, that guy who has a family to support, friends who depend on him, bills to pay, a car to repair and a honey-do list that seems to get longer the more sh*& I cross off! For me, crossdressing is kind of like reading a book and getting so into it that you look up and three or four hours has gone by. Or playing an online game where you become an elf or a troll or some other mythical character and forget your own pain. When I am Sharon, I am loved, cherished, taken care of. Don't have to make decisions. No responsibilities! I can play, try on all the clothes in my closet if I want to, do my nails.

Yet I am nervous as well; always on guard. What if someone says something or someone comes to the door? When Jay and I go out, I look to see if people are staring. On edge and questioning myself...Do I look good? Do I blend in? is Jay proud of me? And why do I care what they think?

I won't go "out" without Jay. She is my courage and my anchor. No matter what happens, I know at least SHE will accept me and love me. Whomever I choose to be.

It hasn't always been this way. Jay and I have just recently found each other and are growing and exploring together. Before I met Jay, Sharon hadn't seen the light of day for about 15 years. She has had to stay inside my head. And, trust me, she was NOT happy about it.

Because we are still learning about how this life together is going to look, we have started a list. THE list. Things we want to do. Sharon and Jay's Adventure list.

Found one site the other day where they are also working on a List. Go check out Petra's 14 stations when you get some free time.

Ah well, I've unburdened myself enough for one evening. Time to snuggle under the covers and dream...

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